Breakdown vs. Spiritual Awakening

Sometimes, I feel as if perhaps I have gone crazy. I sometimes question my actions and intentions. I find myself hesitant to even write on this blog because I doubt I am living up to my ideals- am I dreaming big enough? Am I honestly working towards a better me? Am I on the correct path?

I am not supposed to be here. I have no idea why I am here. I have no idea why I write. I just know that I must. I know that I am emotionally sensitive with moments of feeling a bit down. My blogs are the words that I wished I could read to lift me up. These entries are the advice that I would give a friend (and that I desperately need for myself). I know that when I am stricken by inspiration – my words fly off this small little blog  and into the interweb/universe. Once I write, the words are no longer mine- I am at the mercy of the universe. I hope you get something out of it. I don’t want to just work for a paycheck. I do not want to wish five days away in order to reach the weekend. My life is slower paced now. I have yet to master discipline but I do not care. I do a whole bunch of nothing sitting at home and I LOVE it. These few months I have taken off have been nothing more than a miracle. My house is still  a work in progress and I still struggle to get things done and execute but the funny thing is that I am at utter peace. There is a joy that rises out of the peace and doing nothing. I am the boss of me. It’s incredible to see how far I have come.

I find myself not wanting to write about my experiences because I am too busy living and connecting with my spiritual self. A few thoughts:

1. “I don’t want to numb my vulnerability. The way to live is through vulnerability and to stop controlling and predicting…” -Brene Brown It’s no secret that I have had periods where I have been medicated (hello xanax! Chlonopin! Prozac!). Chlonopin is a god send when you think you are ten seconds away from having a heart attack- but I don’t want to live by numbing myself. That is not living. All those medications soon enough take away your joy. Just like you can no longer panic – your happiness also becomes diminished. Life loses it’s beauty and you are left sedated. 

2. “I am interested in some messy topics but I want to be able to make them not messy. I want to understand them. I want to hack into these things that I know are important and I want to out the code and lay it out for the world to see.” – Brene Brown I blog because it is my therapy. This is where I work out my stuff. I am trying to “make my mess my message”. I am working out my life on this forum to keep a record of the crazy and so that you can learn or be entertained it all. I stand before you humbled by life but first and foremost grateful. I am perfectly flawed and amazed by every day that is gifted to me.
3. “The amount of drama that you have created in your life is the amount of spiritual growth you are willing to undergo in one lifetime.” -Colin Tipping All of it – the depression, the anxiety, the not being able to cope is self made. I am responsible for creating all that is my situation. I created my present moment and I continue to create every future moment. I threw my entire life into upheaval. I got rid of a boyfriend, a roommate, two jobs… I will rebuild bigger and better once I feel like it. Life is awesome and I have choice. I created this tsunami because big rewards are only possible after big gambles.

4. “You have never made one mistake in your life.” -Colin Tipping This is such a beautiful thought. All your life- everything that you perceive as good/bad/evil/bad luck/synchronicity/sad moments/happy moments- are NOT mistakes. You are living your life ON PURPOSE and everything is unfolding as it should on divine timing. It seems somewhat cruel to say that even when bad things happen- there are still lessons to be learned. Even that which we perceive as “mistakes” or a set back are not. If you continue to make the same “mistakes” and you begin to see patterns in your life- know that this is coming up once again because it will not be released until you heal this particular situation.

It’s funny that the moment I walked away from finance I felt not only at peace but, most importantly, healed. Now I have the whole summer to detox, contemplate, meditate, chill, relax, be silly, vacation, smile, laugh, walk, go on adventures, grow stronger… Life is beautiful once again.

“Embrace the glorious mess you are” -Elizabeth Gilbert

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