I don’t know if what I am about to write here is kosher or not… but I was feeling really down, very out of whack- just no idea what the f*ck was going on with me. Even though I was experiencing seemingly psychological symptoms, I know what they are attached to.
I know what my crazy looks like. I know what my health and the experience of being in this body looks like. I deduced that there was something wrong with my hormones, with my thyroid. My mom, god bless her heart- a genius of a woman that she is, she suggested “Why don’t you just take more medicine!”
My medication is doctor supervised. Any increase in dosage is preceded by testing that gives the doctor the go ahead to increase the dose. I was just like f*ck it and so, instead of one pill I started taking one and a half pills a couple of weeks ago. This allowed me to get out of bed and set the ball in motion. I got a little bit of my energy back. At some point, I doubled it up. Now, I am taking two full pills which is double the last recommended dosage.
It’s the middle of Thursday night as I write this and I’ve been up for a bit. Here it is, the evening, and I am going to wash dishes. I am resetting! Resetting everything so that tomorrow I can start fresh with a clean kitchen. This is such a revolutionary idea and it’s not that I hadn’t thought of it before but it’s been as if I have been living in a cave for so long (13 years or so). I’ve been so entrenched in a chronic fatigue haze that my only worry has been me fighting to remain vertical.
Having a chronic condition (that’s on it’s way out… praying to baby Jesus!) is a challenge to say the least. It’s quite the hurdle to overcome because little by little you start accommodating your condition, making exceptions, cutting back and eventually having the dis-ease just take up all your time and energy. It overtakes your entire life without you even realizing it. It becomes that annoying little sibling that just tags along to everything ( I am the youngest in my family :p)
For the past 13 years I have never had energy to do much of anything so it’s weird and bizarre but totally amazing (so please god don’t take it away!) that I am starting to feel things and I am starting to feel alive. I am rolling with it and not judging it.
I’ve been really thinking about this body that I was given- this body with these challenges. This vessel for my spirit to experience this precise moment in space and time. It’s sensitive for a reason and I am trying to not fight it or demonize it or drag it along or manage it. I am just trying to listen.
This blog post is my effort to own my highs and lows. Owning up to it all and the fact that at times I couldn’t function, I was not all there, and I was a flake.
If you are reading this and thinking to yourself “omg- she’s a b*tch. Why is she positioning herself as a life coach, as a teacher or even speaking – she hasn’t returned my calls!” Just know that you are probably next on my list to contact to apologize.
I am so happy because there is a chorus of angels that have been put in my life- friends, people that that just understand the experience of being human and going through sh* and people who remind me, every second of the day, of what I had forgotten – that compassion starts with me. Compassion starts with me.
I think that’s a great update for this week. I am starting to feel human again and I don’t quite even know what that means. I don’t know if tomorrow I wake up and it’s all gone but at least I had it today and I am grateful 🙂