I’m going to JAIL!!! Can you help me collect $1,247 US Dollars by the end of today???!!! Let me explain..
I was busy minding my business when I received a call from Washington D.C. I pick up thinking it was a telemarketer.
When the automated voice comes on it promptly informs me that I owe $1,274 dollars and that I should be expecting the police at my door any minute as they are wanting to collect their pound of flesh.
The voice then informs me that I need to call them right back at the same number to resolve the matter immediately. I hang up.
My first thought is – what the hell did I do? But then I remind myself that I am a perfect angel and would never get into such trouble.
That’s when the wheels start turning in my old noggin’ – I google how to turn my number private. I discover that *67 will do the trick.
I call my mom to try it out- yup, it works.
I then turn my attention to this DC number. I call- it’s a no go! There’s a weird tone thing going on. That’s when I think- IT’S A SCAM!!!!!! Lies! Imposters!!!
I quickly google IRS scams
and sure enough up pops a similar situation. I read the story and wonder what their pitch is… and most importantly- are these very convincing fraudsters who could easily make people part with their money?
Here I am with my little devil horns researching how to get a google number so that I can have access to my dear friends the scammers. Sure enough- google offers numbers in DC or any city really.
Once you register, all calls are routed from the number through to any phone number that you would like.
I really want to hear their schtick. Off I go with newly minted phone number in hand to call my new bff’s.
As the phone rings- I realize I hadn’t planned what to say in order to go toe to toe with my opponents. Once they pick up they ask me for my name- I pause and start to say my name only to spit out Maria… Maria Perez but he of course hears Maria Derez and I figure this is good enough.
He speaks heavily accented English and seems to have connectivity issues.
He rattles off his name (John Dely) and his badge number # US IRS 110
He then spews his script about me owing $1,274. After agreeing with everything John Dely tells me about US IRS codes and sections unbeknownst to me. He then asks me if I want to go to jail or resolve my claim-
I am informed that I will go to the jail for 3 to 25 years in PRISON. Do not pass go and do not collect a hundred dollars.
And so what if this was real. I mean if I do go to the jail, they do have health insurance and I would so bolster my street cred- maybe this jail situation is not so bad…
But alas, the cops are not at my door. The IRS has made an exception in my case because they heard about what a good citizen I am. He asks me to agree that I am a good citizen and person (he’s heard of my angel wings status).
He tells me that I will now be transferred to a supervisor
This is where I am impressed. Usually I have to sweet talk my way up the hierarchical ladder but here was John Dely just clearing off his old supervisor’s schedule to make time for little old me 🙂
I felt so special and fully supported by my scamsters.
The Manager gets on the phone and promptly calls me Mister… I muffle my laugh.
Manager Michael Davis then informs me of the gravity of this situation. He is clearly the closer who is ready to bring home the BACON!!
He asks me how much of the money I can come up with by today. He informs me that I have to go to my local ATM and withdraw funds.
I then have to go to my Walmart and purchase some sort of visa card. At this point I am completely incensed- I WILL NOT BE STEPPING FOOT IN A WALMART! These people are nuts.
I then get bored with the whole debacle after he tries to get me to tell him my work zip code so that he can locate the nearest Duane Reade. This is when I then proceed to feign a panic heart attack and hang up.
I just wanted to let you know that as I write this, the Po-po is hot on my trail. Can you help me collect $1,274 dollars I owe? Their phone number is 202-621-0639 in case you want to call and give them money for my freedom.
I am going off the grid… In hiding for now. Keeping a low profile.
I recorded the whole thing in case you want to hear what a lineup of professional IRS people sound like.
You’ll be next! He’s coming for you!
TAX MAN’S AT THE DOOR!!!
B*tch betta have my MONEY!!!
I think I may call my friends up tomorrow to see if how their IRS Tax Collection is going…
Fast forward to 14min 53 seconds for my heart attack move! Enjoy!
Dehumanized Robot & Modern Day “Slave”: I am for Sale