I Am FREE

I move, I be, I do- all with ease.

I have been meditating on freedom and movement. Moving not just the body, but the locality of it, being moved and being able to communicate (how that in and of itself travels through the interwebs sometimes landing & sometimes just floating in the ether waiting to be discovered and unlocked).

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UnHealthy Work Environments: Petri Dish for Anxiety & Depression

 

It’s surreal to believe that I lived a life where “happiness” was brought to you by a little blue pill, calm was slipping a white dissoluble sweet sphere under my tongue and energy to drag myself through the day came from chugging venti skim lattes and red bulls. At the end of the day there was never any reprieve, I was still wired and dreading my tomorrows. This left me to drink a night cap along with one quarter pill of benedryl just to fall asleep and be able to do it all over again the following day. That was my life only 16 months ago!

Of course I had anxiety and depression. I only now had the realization hit me like a ton of bricks- I grew up with a paranoid schizophrenic father where walls were punched, doors broken off hinges and cops were called. To say that I had PTSD as a result of that upbringing is  pretty accurate.

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Self Doubt: It Happens to the Best of Us

I am all about the happy. I love it, I revel in it and it feeds my soul. With that said, I would also like to acknowledge that it’s not always rainbows, unicorns and pixie dust over in the sunny state of Mary by way of California.
I have been feeling tired, exhausted and been asking myself “what the f*ck am I doing?” In conjunction with all of this I have been isolating. I have been really finding it hard to get out.
I enjoyed walking my dog until she got infested with fleas. That totally killed the romancing we had going on. No longer did I feel ok sleeping with her and the poor dog has been extra stiff because of her sleeping on the floor. It also takes me a while to get outside. I don’t know where to go or what to do.
Martini’s Fleas were eating us alive… Mutant Fleas.
Then there’s this whole maybe I should get a job thing. I don’t want to f*cking work. My entire life all jobs I have held have been pretty horrible* (*except maybe for that time I worked at Macy’s and took naps in the stockroom.) My soul does not want to have a boss or anyone telling me what to do. It makes me break out in hives to think that I would have to wake up early every day. The rebel inside me says F*ck it! F*ck it all! Damn having to work. I just want to be FREE. It totally sucks and I send out my condolences to everyone who finds themselves reading this while not doing work at their desk. I feel your pain.
I have been doubting myself big time. I feel apprehension about stepping into my power as a teacher even as I continue to be a student and do the spiritual work. I have been asking myself “What am I here to teach? What is my message? Is it even worth telling?”

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Surrendering: God’s Plan vs. Your Plan

 

Leanne & I recorded another video!!!! I have spoken about letting go of your own plan before (read it here)
All of us can agree that we don’t want the struggle. We plan on controlling, scheduling, negotiating and elbowing in order to get our own way. This results in a struggle and in this false sense that I am the only one that’s not making it work. This is clearly wrong. None of us are able to make it work by ourselves. Our way is not working.

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