How to FUND 16 + Months of Being FUNemployed Without Working

DRUM ROLL PLEASE!!! After many questions regarding my financials, I am finally peeling back the curtain and exposing the books! I get a lot of questions about financials but no one willing to foot the bills – funny how that works… This is such a vulnerable spot for me and hopefully this inspires many of you out there to take a leap or rethink your current situation. As I said before, take what works for you and leave what does not. Use the information below to synthesize a hybrid plan for yourself.

Continue reading “How to FUND 16 + Months of Being FUNemployed Without Working”

Divine Storm: Trust Your Power

Wayra Fuerza Bruta NYC July 2014
I was watching Super Soul Sunday and I heard Mastin Kipp‘s account of his divine storm- a moment in his life when everything seemed to be going “wrong.” He started his blog The Daily Love and after a year he had 1,000 followers. During a one week period he lost his living situation, had no job, thew out his back, had gout in one foot and had hit rock bottom. His ex-girlfriend’s parents joked that he could always live in their pool house – he took them up on their offer. He lived in a room that was 8 feet by 8 feet…

That got me thinking – maybe this is that silent period for me. The one where I am supposed to turn inwards and work on both myself and my blog. It also got me thinking about the concept of a “Divine Storm.” That perfect combination of events where everything gets blown into upheaval. 
A little over a year ago, I found a job at a moment where I was thinking about getting rid of a roommate after quitting my job of almost 7 years. The difference in salary between my old job and  the new job that found me was the amount my roommate paid in rent [mind f*ck- simmer in that “coincidence”]
By all accounts, even after ridding myself of a roommate I should have had cash but I was spending faster than I could make it. 
The first glaring sign that something was off was when I had $900 stolen out of my checking account from an ATM. When your money’s not right or is messed with – know that this is a sign. At the moment, I could not put my finger on what the issue was because of the daily dose of denial I was on. 

I acquired a coffee dependency. I was medicating my anxiety and stress with chlonopin. Towards the end of my almost one year stint at the new job my nights were spent taking benedryl to get sleep. 
Through it all – the common denominator was unhappiness and denial. Then, my family began to fall apart as well. My mom was in and out of the hospital. My dog was attacked by a family member and I could not pull away from work. 
No matter how positive and how happy I tried to be I was dragging myself through it all and internalizing the dysfunction.
I went to California to unplug from the rush of New York City. It was so replenishing and joyful. Tasting happiness can be dangerous. I knew that my soul was dying by denying that I was not being true to myself. We all know how that one ended – going to California precipitated my decision to quit
Now, here I find myself, for the most part at home. I am at peace in my home with my dog. My apartment may not be 8 by 8 but this is where I am working from. This isn’t a bad place to start contemplating. 
I think the most interesting part of Mastin Kipp’s story was that during his Divine Storm he was asking why-  why was he stuck in this small space. At that point, he heard a reply – “because this is the size of your faith. And that is all you need.” A week later Kim Kardashian tweeted about his blog and it blew up. 
This past couple of years I have been through quite a lot. I am GLAD I have been through everything and can count it as part of my past and it is a great story to be told. So happy to be FUNemployed. I am exactly where I need to be and my courage has brought me far. I am blessed. I am hopeful and looking forward to see what happens once the dust settles…
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Breakdown vs. Spiritual Awakening

Sometimes, I feel as if perhaps I have gone crazy. I sometimes question my actions and intentions. I find myself hesitant to even write on this blog because I doubt I am living up to my ideals- am I dreaming big enough? Am I honestly working towards a better me? Am I on the correct path?

I am not supposed to be here. I have no idea why I am here. I have no idea why I write. I just know that I must. I know that I am emotionally sensitive with moments of feeling a bit down. My blogs are the words that I wished I could read to lift me up. These entries are the advice that I would give a friend (and that I desperately need for myself). I know that when I am stricken by inspiration – my words fly off this small little blog  and into the interweb/universe. Once I write, the words are no longer mine- I am at the mercy of the universe. I hope you get something out of it. I don’t want to just work for a paycheck. I do not want to wish five days away in order to reach the weekend. My life is slower paced now. I have yet to master discipline but I do not care. I do a whole bunch of nothing sitting at home and I LOVE it. These few months I have taken off have been nothing more than a miracle. My house is still  a work in progress and I still struggle to get things done and execute but the funny thing is that I am at utter peace. There is a joy that rises out of the peace and doing nothing. I am the boss of me. It’s incredible to see how far I have come.

I find myself not wanting to write about my experiences because I am too busy living and connecting with my spiritual self. A few thoughts:

1. “I don’t want to numb my vulnerability. The way to live is through vulnerability and to stop controlling and predicting…” -Brene Brown It’s no secret that I have had periods where I have been medicated (hello xanax! Chlonopin! Prozac!). Chlonopin is a god send when you think you are ten seconds away from having a heart attack- but I don’t want to live by numbing myself. That is not living. All those medications soon enough take away your joy. Just like you can no longer panic – your happiness also becomes diminished. Life loses it’s beauty and you are left sedated. 

2. “I am interested in some messy topics but I want to be able to make them not messy. I want to understand them. I want to hack into these things that I know are important and I want to out the code and lay it out for the world to see.” – Brene Brown I blog because it is my therapy. This is where I work out my stuff. I am trying to “make my mess my message”. I am working out my life on this forum to keep a record of the crazy and so that you can learn or be entertained it all. I stand before you humbled by life but first and foremost grateful. I am perfectly flawed and amazed by every day that is gifted to me.
3. “The amount of drama that you have created in your life is the amount of spiritual growth you are willing to undergo in one lifetime.” -Colin Tipping All of it – the depression, the anxiety, the not being able to cope is self made. I am responsible for creating all that is my situation. I created my present moment and I continue to create every future moment. I threw my entire life into upheaval. I got rid of a boyfriend, a roommate, two jobs… I will rebuild bigger and better once I feel like it. Life is awesome and I have choice. I created this tsunami because big rewards are only possible after big gambles.

4. “You have never made one mistake in your life.” -Colin Tipping This is such a beautiful thought. All your life- everything that you perceive as good/bad/evil/bad luck/synchronicity/sad moments/happy moments- are NOT mistakes. You are living your life ON PURPOSE and everything is unfolding as it should on divine timing. It seems somewhat cruel to say that even when bad things happen- there are still lessons to be learned. Even that which we perceive as “mistakes” or a set back are not. If you continue to make the same “mistakes” and you begin to see patterns in your life- know that this is coming up once again because it will not be released until you heal this particular situation.

It’s funny that the moment I walked away from finance I felt not only at peace but, most importantly, healed. Now I have the whole summer to detox, contemplate, meditate, chill, relax, be silly, vacation, smile, laugh, walk, go on adventures, grow stronger… Life is beautiful once again.

“Embrace the glorious mess you are” -Elizabeth Gilbert

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