Dating: Don’t Show Me Your Crazy

I’m a romantic.
I don’t want to know your shortcomings on the first or second date. I want a little mystery. 
I prefer to discover your weirdness or quirks and faults along the way (much much later and in very small doses) and love you for them because they make you unique.
Let’s keep crazy to a bare minimum – let’s keep flaws only in as much as they make you you. Carry them with pride and confidence. But please don’t let me know at the beginning. Don’t introduce yourself with your inability to maintain stability and sanity.
I don’t want a fixer upper. I am no one’s psychotherapist – I suck. I have fired myself from doing this sort of work. 
I want a freakin’ “turn-key“/ready to move into sort of partner[in crime].
I will be picky and I will discern- Because my awesome deserves someone that can shine as bright next to me (keep your picky down to FIVE non-negotiable things- above that you risk crossing into “pain in the a-” territory).
Remember, some of those frogs may be nice lovely people but my love life is not where I recycle my same mistakes or conduct charity work… I will not be kissing those frogs- I don’t need to kiss someone in order to find out or have the revelation that I like them. I like them and then I want to kiss them (see the difference there?). Heck, if I like them, I will have to stop myself from jumping them… just saying.
Universe, I am asking & I am so ready to RECEIVE. Please and thank you. 
**Please note: Be picky but keep your non-negotiables down to FIVE. Food for thought, the price of admission: 

“The one is a lie. The one does not f*cking exist. A long term relationship that is successful is a myth. My boyfriend and I have a wonderful relationship built on a solid foundation of lies and deceit.” -paraphrased from Dan Savage

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Tinder with Caution

It’s a crazy dating scene out there… I’ve heard coupled people say that they wish they were single in these times when the internet and smart phones offer so many dating options. The truth of the matter is that too many choices leads to a variety of pretty interesting characters and ::cough:bullish*t:cough:: to sift through. 
One particular entertaining medium for dating (or more accurately a tool of the hookup culture)- Tinder. It syncs your Facebook profile (without posting notifications) to build a simple profile that allows you to see how you’re connected to your prospective matches. It locates people in proximity to you and uses the age parameters you set. Tinder is intended to quickly meet men (or women). You swipe left to eliminate and swipe right if you like the split second impression you get.
I have had too much fun eliminating people! I love #LeftSwipe. I am a bit of an addict. Along the way, I learned to take a screen grab on my phone and Tinder became a MILLION+ times better! Now ladies, please try not to steal my mens or my amazing dating techniques! I give you my finds, behold top quality candidates and future Mr.RightPrinceCharming waiting to knock your socks off:
Pet Owners of Tinder

I’m a sucker for puppies and cute animals. I can’t blame these guys for putting their pets front and center.

Cuteness just sort of melts my cold little heart. Furry cuteness!

Would it be horrible of me to just simply swipe right so that I can steal their puppy? My criminal mind keeps turning- I want to get my hands on that frenchie! PUPPIESSSSSSS! 
I personally think this is a good strategy- who doesn’t love a fur baby? Clearly the puppies are looking for a step mom- I will sacrifice myself. Oh, men of Tinder, so predictable hiding behind cuteness. I see you!
Girl, Age Ain’t Nothing but a Numba’

Because I am picky and a pain in the *ss (and clearly the new ::in:: thing is this cougar thing) I expanded my age limit… I added the young fetal children. I figured maybe they would be more fun to take pics of…
The babies are total liars! Hey I am 4 years younger than my stated age- Oh, you have to click into a profile to even get the whole scoop of his little lies. Sneaky sneaky evil baby! You will be cougar-ing it up by mistake!

OMG! I added 6 years to my real age- How’d that happen?

24 vs. 18 but who’s counting… Your nose will grow young children. Now are we going to have to have the conversation about the birds and the bees?

I was cute once…


And then there are the guys with the cutest of baby pictures. Which lead one to think… what ever happened to them? Love the 80’s glamour. I am the perfect little gentleman. Give us your best blue steel. My buddy and me.

Baby Jesus be a fence with a moat around my soul… brace yourself because it can only get ::better:: from here… with all the material on Tinder there will be a follow up- don’t you worry! 
O:p On my best behavior- watch out!

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Tinder: Dating App Review

eHarmony and Match have proven to be quite the bore. So far- not all that good. The amount of riff raff on Match and the limiting landscape over at eHarmony have left me wanting more… anything more. This online dating is quite the let down. That is until I was introduced to Tinder. What satisfaction in dumping people onto the proverbial “No” pile. It’s basically a rating system à-la-Grindr. It connects you to people in proximity to yourself that have the app. You connect using your facebook profile and it allows you to scan your environment. Once you look through someone’s (very limited) Tinder profile- you can see the pics they chose, their age, how far they are from you, a small blip of info and you get to see if you have any facebook friends in common. 
It’s fast, it’s easy, and it’s a rating system. It’s rather addictive. I love it. This would be ideal while hanging out with friends and scanning the scene. The superficiality of it all is quite the opposite of eHarmony and may not lead to much more than a fun story. I think I am on to something here… Is it too early in the week to start wishing for the weekend? haha!

And if you’re keeping track- I am on eHarmony, Match, and now Tinder. More to come. Apparently there’s a “white glove” dating service. Invite only? Got to sneak myself into that one!

Tinder-ing the day away! Happy Monday!

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I ::just:: joined! Maybe I jumped too soon to the “Dating” thing- haha! Got you!
So first impressions on the Match dating site- love the ease of use. With eHarmony, the questions were like pulling teeth (what’s your passion?!!? Really, now- let me warm up first! Geez) and I felt that, at times, I wasn’t voicing my true feelings and opinions. It took me two separate days just to finish my profile (diagnosis- no motivation). With, I felt like the signing up process was so much simpler to the point that I found myself looking up bits of information up just so that I could provide it on my profile (Please note that it asked very similar questions). 
Regis, I’d like to phone-a-friend, please. 
eHarmony has thus far provided me with a total of 24 matches since this past Friday. Oh, think you can just go around and explore? THINK AGAIN! I am almost certain that you are kept to your corral of 24 people. No mixing and mingling. And there is definitely no exploring! Stick to your cage! (I jest!). Match allows me to look up people and explore. There are different ways of getting a “match.” There are mutual matches, reverse matches (they like you) and I totally forgot what the last one was but I am sure it’s the best kind. You basically rate the people that appear on your screen. The more you rate: 1. the more matches you receive (reverse and mutual). 2. The more matches the system picks out for you.
The one leg that eHarmony has to stand on is the compatibility/chemistry match. I feel like as long as you are aware that you need to downplay physical attractiveness, screen out people with your deal breakers and focus on your “must haves” then you’re in business on your own/ at Match. Also, the ability to attend “mixers” on Match also seems like a great feature.

Over at eHarmony, one thing I noticed was the rampant use of “niece/nephew”‘s as props- put your “niece/nephew” away! You don’t have to hold them or have them sitting on your lap… just say no. I haven’t explored at Match but I am sure there are offenders there as well. Men, I say to you, just putting down that you’re family oriented and potentially want children is enough- I don’t need it in picture form. immediately grabbed my attention- it reminds me it exists by sending emails to my personal account when users communicate with me (this might be a curse in disguise). Over at eHarmony, snoozefest du jour that’s gone on thus far, I have to remind myself to truly dig through the rubble. Top of my priority list is how to sift through the ones I don’t want and get rid of them (that 24 is way too robust for me… could easily be pared down to 3-5 candidates).
You know what surprised me? The fact that you have the option of omitting races… I don’t know how I feel about that. I am a bit offended. 
The crappy part about BOTH of them- What the F@CK! is up with this “automatic subscription” business? With I was able to unsubscribe after the 6 month period I signed up for. With eHarmony, I locked in a rate for 1 year and there was no way in hell I could figure out how to kill it off after the first year (call?- I might be busy DATING this upcoming year THANK YOU VERY MUCH!) Anywho take home lesson of this little fiasco: If this is going to take or eHarmony more than 6 months to find me someone to entertain myself with…. then I should FIRE BOTH and eHarmony- Just sayin’. I want results buddies. I will give it my all and try my bestest at this dating thing. You may have my money now… but this is not over. 
Over at eHarmony I go by Mary… At I am completely incognito as AbitofM… Shhhhhhh don’t blow my cover!
I will report back. 
(Also, this goes without saying on here… GOOGLE COUPONS! RetailMeNot offered me 20% off full service and offered me a 73% off discount on eHarmony. My shopping addiction doesn’t need to suffer because of my new found need to find a partner… Be Smart! Play Smart!)
Happy Thursday Minions

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eHarmony Frustration

I tried logging back into my eHarmony profile- the one I never finished completing the survey for. I reached the question about “what is your passion” and totally punk’d out. This was after I vowed that I would be open to dating. Today, I try doing the right thing and the universe c*ckblocks me… I forget my password. Then I request a new login and decide to check my password keeper on my phone… guess where my password was? That’s right- in the password keeper on my phone. Who would of thought that I would know that I would forget my password? Mary of the past- that b*tch! haha! Password in hand, I go to log back in. No dice, it’s already been reset and the email is no where to be found. Perhaps I need a moment to gather my thoughts and un-anger myself. 
 Great pick up lines to look forward to: 

But in all seriousness- meeting at a restaurant after being together forever is a thing couples do to keep things fresh. I wouldn’t know as I am not one of those. But hey, looking forward to the dating scene, having drinks spilt on me and getting asked to pick up dry cleaning. Oh the romance! ::swoon::

Happy Friday!

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