The Richest I’ve Ever Been & An Empty Bank Account

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A Friend’s Garden in Bx.

I sit on my Costco couch in California, staring at my altar made out of boxes that have been covered with a sarong and I can’t help thinking that I am the richest I have ever been. Having exhausted all of my financial avenues (minus that whole “finding a job” thing- because who does that?) I now stare at a dismal balance in my bank account.

I am going to be listing my expensive accessories and fancy dresses that are relics of a past life.

I don’t need any of it.

All those handbags on a shelf collecting dust…

That version of me that requires this to feel special/feel anything no longer exists.

Surrender.

Continue reading “The Richest I’ve Ever Been & An Empty Bank Account”

Advice in Preparing to Quit Your Job & Be FUNemployed

Being FUNemployed is such a sacred space that has allowed me to truly bear witness to the person that I AM. It was such an evolutionary and revolutionary period in my life. I truly gleaned the divine within my Self. This sacred space accelerated my spiritual growth. I wish this blessing upon everyone. Even if it is just a moment to pause from the insanity that work has become. If you are contemplating making this cataclysmic shift in your life, here are some tips when preparing to transition into being FUNemployed:

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Self Doubt: It Happens to the Best of Us

I am all about the happy. I love it, I revel in it and it feeds my soul. With that said, I would also like to acknowledge that it’s not always rainbows, unicorns and pixie dust over in the sunny state of Mary by way of California.
I have been feeling tired, exhausted and been asking myself “what the f*ck am I doing?” In conjunction with all of this I have been isolating. I have been really finding it hard to get out.
I enjoyed walking my dog until she got infested with fleas. That totally killed the romancing we had going on. No longer did I feel ok sleeping with her and the poor dog has been extra stiff because of her sleeping on the floor. It also takes me a while to get outside. I don’t know where to go or what to do.
Martini’s Fleas were eating us alive… Mutant Fleas.
Then there’s this whole maybe I should get a job thing. I don’t want to f*cking work. My entire life all jobs I have held have been pretty horrible* (*except maybe for that time I worked at Macy’s and took naps in the stockroom.) My soul does not want to have a boss or anyone telling me what to do. It makes me break out in hives to think that I would have to wake up early every day. The rebel inside me says F*ck it! F*ck it all! Damn having to work. I just want to be FREE. It totally sucks and I send out my condolences to everyone who finds themselves reading this while not doing work at their desk. I feel your pain.
I have been doubting myself big time. I feel apprehension about stepping into my power as a teacher even as I continue to be a student and do the spiritual work. I have been asking myself “What am I here to teach? What is my message? Is it even worth telling?”

Continue reading “Self Doubt: It Happens to the Best of Us”

Failure to Launch: Holding Our Children Back

I have been asked what does my mom think about my moving to California… 
My mom is in some deep denial. She tells me not to pack that she will help me. Then she cancels on me for two weeks. I try to keep her aware of details such as when I bought my plane ticket and my departure date. Her response is she doesn’t want to know- it’s all unacceptable. 
Now, talk to her about me selling my things on Craigslist and eBay and her eyes light up- oh how much money did you make. How is it going? Oh I am going to stop by to see what I can take, have or buy. She even decided that she was buying half of my stuff- washing machine, portable AC, filing cabinet, dog bed, she wanted the mattress maybe the bed too… only to call me the next day to tell me to list it. For the most part, she has remained overall quiet. That might be due to the fact that I threatened to fine her $1000 per negative comment- now all there is is silence…

There are many mothers similar to my mom. She tells the story of how she never had to dress me- I would pick my own outfits. I would never need to be told to do my homework. I was not the type of child that needed to be constantly mothered though I must admit I was spoiled. If it were up to her I would have never given up drinking milk from a bottle- she refused to stop. I had a babysitter person who would walk me to junior high… the school was a whole three blocks away. She also offered to have that same lady take me to high school and pick me up every day… I threw a huge fit and yelled at her. The compromise was that I would take the train one stop to high school. I would have never gone away to college…
Now let’s examine the lady behind the role of mother. This lady came to the United States from the Dominican Republic having known next to no one and not having any family. She got on a plane for the first time and struck out on her own to meet my father who was already in the states. This was the same lady who in the DR ran her father’s grocery store all on her own and who did not finish 8th grade but had the business acumen to keep people buying and the store profitable. 
The life of an immigrant is not easy by any means but it’s rather funny to me that once this lovely lady occupies the role of Mary’s mother she then has an accumulated world of fear that allows her to tell her daughter- no, don’t fly, don’t explore, don’t move, don’t risk, don’t venture too far… when the very awesome essence of who she is came about as a result of her defying all her present limits.
What I mean to say is- mothers will worry. That is their role and function. It is my job to lovingly ignore her anxieties and fears. It is also vital that I do not absorb these into my being because there is great work to be done if I wish to live up to the awesome mom that I have.
She will thank me later for ignoring her…

P.S. Support my crazy dream of (F) UNemployment: Read more here. Help me relocate to CALIFORNIA!!!! Donate here. 
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