Self Doubt: It Happens to the Best of Us

I am all about the happy. I love it, I revel in it and it feeds my soul. With that said, I would also like to acknowledge that it’s not always rainbows, unicorns and pixie dust over in the sunny state of Mary by way of California.
I have been feeling tired, exhausted and been asking myself “what the f*ck am I doing?” In conjunction with all of this I have been isolating. I have been really finding it hard to get out.
I enjoyed walking my dog until she got infested with fleas. That totally killed the romancing we had going on. No longer did I feel ok sleeping with her and the poor dog has been extra stiff because of her sleeping on the floor. It also takes me a while to get outside. I don’t know where to go or what to do.
Martini’s Fleas were eating us alive… Mutant Fleas.
Then there’s this whole maybe I should get a job thing. I don’t want to f*cking work. My entire life all jobs I have held have been pretty horrible* (*except maybe for that time I worked at Macy’s and took naps in the stockroom.) My soul does not want to have a boss or anyone telling me what to do. It makes me break out in hives to think that I would have to wake up early every day. The rebel inside me says F*ck it! F*ck it all! Damn having to work. I just want to be FREE. It totally sucks and I send out my condolences to everyone who finds themselves reading this while not doing work at their desk. I feel your pain.
I have been doubting myself big time. I feel apprehension about stepping into my power as a teacher even as I continue to be a student and do the spiritual work. I have been asking myself “What am I here to teach? What is my message? Is it even worth telling?”

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Releasing Judgement: Tapping into Forgiveness for True Abundance & Happiness

 

 

Leanne & I recorded a video!!! It’s on forgiveness and releasing judgements. A few tools that have helped me with being more forgiving:
1. Meditation. Meditation creates this space between events that are going on and my feelings. It allows me to stop being reactive and constantly riding the waves of my emotions. Meditation allows me to stand back and look at the bigger picture. No longer are you stuck and invested in every little occurrence. You are able to assess the situation and take more measured action.
2. The “other” is you. Your “enemy” or a “stranger” is simply your greatest teacher. They are not out there. They are a reflection of what is going on with you internally. These people are simply not just out to make your life difficult. It’s not about you. They are acting out of fear and pain. If every you find yourself in such a dynamic- give the relationship what you perceive it lacks. Give them more love and care. If you are damning someone for not calling you- simply pick up the phone and call. Do not sit and fester- step into action and give the relationship what you perceive it lacks. If you blame someone for not being supportive- perhaps you should be even more supportive of them- with absolutely ZERO expectations in return.

Continue reading “Releasing Judgement: Tapping into Forgiveness for True Abundance & Happiness”

Do You Doubt Yourself?: How to Know You’re on the Right Track

I have had so many people say that I am such an inspiration and that they wish they could do what I am doing. This is not how I know that I am on the right track. I know I am right on schedule humming along in unison with the Universe’s plans for me when I get calls like this:

I look down at my phone and see an unrecognizable number. I pick up. I say hello and realize it’s an old friend who I haven’t seen in a very long while and haven’t spoken to in ages. She asks what’s new- I sense where this is going so I cut to the chase. When you get these out of the blue calls they usually come from someone who’s on a specific mission or purpose- it’s most definitely not about the chit chat.
I tell her that I’m moving to California next week. She tells me that’s what she had heard. She then goes on to express fear and tell me that that’s a far away state and I don’t have any family there. That perhaps someone has somehow convinced me to go or maybe I’m moving with friends- friendships can be hot and cold. Perhaps I have picked up a romanticized idea of California. It is dangerous. 
I sit in silence thinking that this mainly one-sided conversation we are having is more for her than for me. I’ve seen this before. I had been waiting for this call- I just didn’t expect it from her, I expected it from a different vessel/messenger. Doubt takes human form. Those were my own insecurities coming from her mouth.

My mind then races to Freshman Year in College. I had received a call from an 809 number. I foolishly picked up. It was my dad calling from the Dominican Republic. He called to tell me that I was abandoning my mom by going off to college. Girls don’t go away and leave their mothers alone. He suggested that I should go to City College and stay home. I should not be by myself- It’s dangerous…
Queue Four years of awesome challenges that let me see how strong I am. Then I was a 4+ hour bus ride away and now I will be a 5 to 6 hour plane ride away. 
If you’re waiting for approval- that’s a sad state of affairs. In that instant I was grateful for my friend’s call. I needed that call to know that big stuff is coming my way. Awesomeness is on its way.
I then hung up and started packing with such happiness in my heart – I was at peace. This is how you know you are on the right track- ask yourself do you have peace?
Thank you Universe for giving me a sign- because at this point every thing’s a sign :p Feeling fully supported and blessed.

P.S. Support my crazy dream of (F) UNemployment: Read more here. Help me relocate to CALIFORNIA!!!! Donate here. 
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